2025.08-09——等下一次的火花

本月主题 & 在发酵的想法

六七月的标题是懒散，八九月也继续懒散。前几个月因为乐队而燃烧的熊熊浪漫之火好像已经熄灭了。没关系，等下一次的火花。

九月回国了一段时间，回美国后又有了一些独处的机会。独处时的感悟就是：觉得自己了解自己，其实也是很傲慢也对自己很不负责的一种想法。

最近开始更关注自己的需求，发现最有用的方式是当自己的好朋友——假想自己是第三人。比如在不想运动时，会想，要鼓励好朋友多运动，她想变成肌肉女，快去吧肌肉女！然后我的动力就会上涨一些。在某些方面，我对别人比对自己要宽容、温柔和负责一点。目前这个治标不治本的办法还是挺有用的。

对自己负责，在现在来说就是在自己懒散的时候，对自己温柔坚定地催促鼓励一下。比如我其实很懒得写这篇总结，但写完了以后心情非常好。生活中的每一点快乐都可贵。

读书

The Sea-Wolf by Jack London

在图书馆随手拿的，也成了这两个月唯一读完的一本书。故事的开头是这样的：男主Humphrey Van Weyden 在一个海难事件后被救上了男二 Wolf Larsen 船长的船，但Wolf 是一名反社会，把 Hump （男二对男主的昵称，看到这里我已经预感到了一些男男纠缠）扣押在船上当苦力。中期女主 Maud Brewster 出现，加剧了男主男二的冲突。女主人设是好的，但她在这篇故事里有些工具人的感觉，我认为是本文的败笔。

Hump 对船长的痛恨中又夹杂了一些迷恋，能看出男的（男主）对具有绝对权威和力量的头领的那种爱慕……但也算不上有毒男子汉气概的程度。看看男主对船长的描写：

What I am striving to express is this strength itself, more as a thing apart from his physical semblance. It was a strength we are wont to associate with things primitive, with wild animals, and the creatures we imagine our tree-dwelling prototypes to have been—a strength savage, ferocious, alive in itself, the essence of life in that it is the potency of motion, the elemental stuff itself out of which the many forms of life have been moulded; in short, that which writhes in the body of a snake when the head is cut off, and the snake, as a snake, is dead, or which lingers in the shapeless lump of turtle-meat and recoils and quivers from the prod of a finger.

这里很明显就有一种对原始力量美的推崇。后来还有多次男主对船长外貌的描写——或者说赞叹。后期男主还对男主直言:你看起来赏心悦目。

船长喜欢和男主聊天则是喜欢那种智力上的交锋（时不时也掺杂武力“说服"），他们经常讨论生命有没有价值。船长的粗暴行径完全有自己的一套哲学逻辑支撑，最明显的就是他的社会达尔文理论，他把生命比作酵母菌，大菌吃小菌。或者还有一些扭曲了的尼采哲学，他不相信道德和信仰，对灵魂一说嗤之以鼻。

船长在自己牢固的逻辑里生存着：

As he went on his voice again grew soft, and a confiding note came into it. “Do you know, I sometimes catch myself wishing that I, too, were blind to the facts of life and only knew its fancies and illusions. They’re wrong, all wrong, of course, and contrary to reason; but in the face of them my reason tells me, wrong and most wrong, that to dream and live illusions gives greater delight. And after all, delight is the wage for living. Without delight, living is a worthless act. To labour at living and be unpaid is worse than to be dead. He who delights the most lives the most, and your dreams and unrealities are less disturbing to you and more gratifying than are my facts to me.” ……
“I often doubt, I often doubt, the worthwhileness of reason. Dreams must be more substantial and satisfying. Emotional delight is more filling and lasting than intellectual delight; and, besides, you pay for your moments of intellectual delight by having the blues. Emotional delight is followed by no more than jaded senses which speedily recuperate. I envy you, I envy you.”

He stopped abruptly, and then on his lips formed one of his strange quizzical smiles, as he added:
“It’s from my brain I envy you, take notice, and not from my heart. My reason dictates it. The envy is an intellectual product. I am like a sober man looking upon drunken men, and, greatly weary, wishing he, too, were drunk. " ……
“You are a blessed, bankrupt pair of fools. You have no facts in your pocketbook.
“Yet we spend as freely as you,” was Maud Brewster’s contribution.
“More freely, because it costs you nothing.”
“And because we draw upon eternity,” she retorted.
“Whether you do or think you do, it’s the same thing. You spend what you haven’t got, and in return you get greater value from spending what you haven’t got than I get from spending what I have got, and what I have sweated to get.”
“Why don’t you change the basis of your coinage, then?” she queried teasingly.
He looked at her quickly, half-hopefully, and then said, all regretfully: “Too late. I’d like to, perhaps, but I can’t. My pocketbook is stuffed with the old coinage, and it’s a stubborn thing. I can never bring myself to recognize anything else as valid.”

把这样一个人安排在海上当暴君真的非常恰当，他本身就是大海无情一面的化身。

船长的存在感太强烈了，而男主和女主并没有足够的描画和魅力支持，在我看来他们俩单独出现的场景显得冗余，让我时刻觉得他们的一切不过是为了船长的再次出现而进行铺垫。

这本书让我总是想起剧版的汉尼拔。尤其是船长还老是喊要吃了男主，虽然和汉尼拔的吃法不一样吧，船长是酵母菌的吃法。

电影

八九月大概看完了四部电影，三部剧集，想稍微说一下的有：

Fargo 冰血暴 (1996)

好多人说是经典，但 Fargo 这样的经典应该只适合在 1996 年的环境下体会。我认为叙事和镜头都没有特别好的地方，让人失望。

Flow 猫猫的奇幻漂流

在飞机上看的，是我在飞机上唯一能耐心看完的电影。好美啊，动物们的互动或者他们独自待着时那种或伤感或圆满的氛围，都特别打动人。是一种又悲伤又浪漫的逃亡。

The History of Sound 时光留声

在电影院看的。这是部让我觉得很遗憾的电影，因为它的氛围很好，演员也不错，就是故事太薄弱了, 弱得让人生气。也是因为故事太弱了，演员的发挥有时候就觉得有点过力，因为故事支撑不起太浓烈的情感啊！我真的好气。

现在还会偶尔想起男主们在窗边讲起童年经历的镜头，我的心就会有点抖：啊，是从很久前就有预兆的啊。心痛。

American Psycho 美国精神病人

终于补了这部，这种经典片就很耐看。真的很 Psycho，虽然角色很有魅力，但没有那种美化感，有点黑色幽默，但从各种角度来看都是病态悲剧。 看的时候也在思考电影的暴力美学，因为看的时候心里正憋躁烦闷，看到暴力镜头时也有些宣泄之感。不禁想我是看暴力血腥镜头看得太多了，这部里的镜头对我来说居然也是毛毛雨了。这大概不是什么好现象。